Monday, August 31, 2009

Tomorrow

So, tomorrow is the big day. I have my first sub job of the school year lined up. I'm pretty nervous to step back into the classroom after all this time. What if I lost my substitute mojo over the summer? What if the kids are all running amok and I can't make them stop?

These are irrational fears, but that doesn't stop the dread from gnawing at my stomach. I was hoping that I could ease back into the swing of things with a nice high school job, but no such luck. This is a middle school job. Tomorrow I have to don a professional outfit, pack a lunch and head straight into the heart of the war zone.

I have already decided a few things about the upcoming year. First of all, this is going to be the year of "no." I've been timid and foolish in the classroom and that has to come to an end. I'm not letting anyone go anywhere besides the bathroom or the nurses office anymore, no matter how much they badger me or how mad they threaten to get. I used to fold under pressure and permit behaviors I shouldn't have in order to keep the peace. This is not effective and it has to stop.

This is also going to be the year of leaving work at work. I'm determined not to be too stressed out at the end of the day. No one expects a sub to walk into a classroom and make miracles. The kids aren't going to listen to me very well and I need to accept that. It's part of the job. As long as I keep everyone safe and quiet enough I'm counting the day a success and going home happy. My life is too precious to me to waste a second of it thinking about other people's ill behaved children.

I honestly think that the best way to get through this year is to picture the kids as dollar signs and remember that I am in this for the money! More jobs equal more date nights with the hubby, more trips to Disney and more yarn. I'm still searching for a real teaching job, but until then I'm just going to support my little family and try to be at peace with my situation.

Even though I'm insanely nervous for tomorrow, I will at least have something to look forward to at the end of the day. It's the first day of the fall term of the HPKCHC! I am so excited for the classes to be posted! This is one of the things in my life that is my saving grace. Something to be happy about and focus some energy on, since the job search isn't going so well. How happy that it coincides with my first day of school. It's like fate or something.

Full report on the first day tomorrow.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

School's In

Today is the first day of school in my county. Not surprising in the least is the fact that I didn't get a sub job today. You would have to be a pretty ballsy teacher to take the first day of school off. I'm actually not expecting to work this week at all. Not that I mind. The jobs will come rolling in soon enough and I'll be staring at another generation of moron children.

I am trying to stave off the cold feeling of dread sitting in my stomach with knitting my Reducio Swap items. I just finished the most beautiful little object to include in my package. I actually kind of want to keep it for myself. I wish I could do a project post about it, but the walls have eyes on Ravelry and this treasure must be kept secret until my future partner receives it.

Aside from that I spent today cleaning the apartment. I forgot just how much work it is to maintain a whole place. When we were living at my mom's I was only responsible for cleaning our bedroom, office and bathroom. Now I have a kitchen and living area to worry about. Bleh. It took all day to finish.

My husband will be home soon. I am sitting here waiting to hear all about his first day with his students. Lucky him, having a job and the normalcy that comes with it. For now, I will enjoy watching hours of CSI reruns and sitting on my ass with my knitting. My revolving door of kids and classrooms will be here before I know it.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Changes

It has been quite a while since my last blog entry. In the space between my last post and now, I have moved out of my parent's house and into an apartment with my husband. We're in our first real place together. I'm so happy. It was a rough few years living with my mom. She was wonderful and very accommodating. I'm extremely grateful for everything she did for us, but there is no substitute for living on your own. Independence is precious. This is a fact that I will never take for granted.

Aside from the happiness of freedom and the stress of cleaning and unpacking, I have been experiencing some anxiety. School resumes very soon, and there have been absolutely no job prospects. Very few teaching positions were posted during the summer. The ones that were were always somehow unsuitable - like it would be in a rough school or be too far away to contemplate. I'm hopeful that once school starts up again principals will assess their needs and open up more jobs. Whether that happens or not, I will have to at least start off the year subbing again.

The prospect of going back to work is truly horrifying. I hate my job. Hate is actually an understatement. I utterly loathe it with every fiber of my being. I have vowed to leave work at work this year and stop stressing about things I can't change. Sometimes I feel positive- like I can make this change. Sometimes I feel cynical and pessimistic about it. Too many emotions are crowding around my brain. Whenever I think about starting work again I feel like I can't breathe. It's starting to get to a point where I don't even think it's worth the suffering anymore. Maybe I should just give up on teaching and do something else entirely. If I had the money to go back to school I would be back in an instant. It's not like I picked teaching because it was my dearest ambition. I picked it because I thought it would be easy to get a job doing it. Ironic, huh? Everyone says that teachers are in high demand. Well, it turns out that's not true of everywhere all the time.

I feel like I'm stuck chasing a career that I'm not even passionate about. I don't even want it anymore. My husband says that if I get a job teaching, then at the very least I could put together money to go back to school. I think that's what I might do. I made a horrible mistake. I should have chosen something else. It makes me angry thinking of all the time I wasted going to school to learn this stuff. I'm so unhappy with it.

I've decided that rather than dwell on my job issues, I need to focus on the happier things in my life. My knitting has never been better. I'm learning more all the time. The new term of the House Cup will be starting soon. I've been chosen to host a knitting workshop in a new group I'm a part of. I'm taking part in the next round of the Reducio swap. These things make me feel much better. Maybe I won't be one of those people that get fulfillment from their careers. I will get it from my hobbies, my husband and the things I can do for myself with the money I earn.

I haven't had too much time for knitting with everything that has been going on, but I did participate in a KAL. A group of girls from the House Cup decided to make Ice Queens over the break and I decided to take part. I just got it off the blocking boards today.


Pattern: Ice Queen by Rosemary Hill
Yarn: Rowan Kidsilk Haze in 582
Mods: I made version A and used 24" circs instead of the 16"



This can be used as a cowl or a hood. I used green beads to accent the piece. It's wonderfully warm and soft. Kidsilk Haze is a really nice yarn. It's hairy and sheds all over when you knit with it, but the resulting halo is worth it.


Like so many of the things I knit, I can't wear this now. I will have to wait until winter arrives to try it out. It's so beautiful and special. I can't wait to show it off.

I'm really glad I got to participate in a KAL. The people I've met through the House Cup are wonderful and working alongside them is so special. Knitting can be lonely if you don't know a lot of other real life knitters. The only people I know who knit are online. I'm very happy to be connected to such a great community.

Right now I'm working on items for the Reducio swap. This round, the theme is "The Hogwarts Express." I'm making something beautiful and knitting good thoughts into it for my partner.