Thursday, August 20, 2009

Changes

It has been quite a while since my last blog entry. In the space between my last post and now, I have moved out of my parent's house and into an apartment with my husband. We're in our first real place together. I'm so happy. It was a rough few years living with my mom. She was wonderful and very accommodating. I'm extremely grateful for everything she did for us, but there is no substitute for living on your own. Independence is precious. This is a fact that I will never take for granted.

Aside from the happiness of freedom and the stress of cleaning and unpacking, I have been experiencing some anxiety. School resumes very soon, and there have been absolutely no job prospects. Very few teaching positions were posted during the summer. The ones that were were always somehow unsuitable - like it would be in a rough school or be too far away to contemplate. I'm hopeful that once school starts up again principals will assess their needs and open up more jobs. Whether that happens or not, I will have to at least start off the year subbing again.

The prospect of going back to work is truly horrifying. I hate my job. Hate is actually an understatement. I utterly loathe it with every fiber of my being. I have vowed to leave work at work this year and stop stressing about things I can't change. Sometimes I feel positive- like I can make this change. Sometimes I feel cynical and pessimistic about it. Too many emotions are crowding around my brain. Whenever I think about starting work again I feel like I can't breathe. It's starting to get to a point where I don't even think it's worth the suffering anymore. Maybe I should just give up on teaching and do something else entirely. If I had the money to go back to school I would be back in an instant. It's not like I picked teaching because it was my dearest ambition. I picked it because I thought it would be easy to get a job doing it. Ironic, huh? Everyone says that teachers are in high demand. Well, it turns out that's not true of everywhere all the time.

I feel like I'm stuck chasing a career that I'm not even passionate about. I don't even want it anymore. My husband says that if I get a job teaching, then at the very least I could put together money to go back to school. I think that's what I might do. I made a horrible mistake. I should have chosen something else. It makes me angry thinking of all the time I wasted going to school to learn this stuff. I'm so unhappy with it.

I've decided that rather than dwell on my job issues, I need to focus on the happier things in my life. My knitting has never been better. I'm learning more all the time. The new term of the House Cup will be starting soon. I've been chosen to host a knitting workshop in a new group I'm a part of. I'm taking part in the next round of the Reducio swap. These things make me feel much better. Maybe I won't be one of those people that get fulfillment from their careers. I will get it from my hobbies, my husband and the things I can do for myself with the money I earn.

I haven't had too much time for knitting with everything that has been going on, but I did participate in a KAL. A group of girls from the House Cup decided to make Ice Queens over the break and I decided to take part. I just got it off the blocking boards today.


Pattern: Ice Queen by Rosemary Hill
Yarn: Rowan Kidsilk Haze in 582
Mods: I made version A and used 24" circs instead of the 16"



This can be used as a cowl or a hood. I used green beads to accent the piece. It's wonderfully warm and soft. Kidsilk Haze is a really nice yarn. It's hairy and sheds all over when you knit with it, but the resulting halo is worth it.


Like so many of the things I knit, I can't wear this now. I will have to wait until winter arrives to try it out. It's so beautiful and special. I can't wait to show it off.

I'm really glad I got to participate in a KAL. The people I've met through the House Cup are wonderful and working alongside them is so special. Knitting can be lonely if you don't know a lot of other real life knitters. The only people I know who knit are online. I'm very happy to be connected to such a great community.

Right now I'm working on items for the Reducio swap. This round, the theme is "The Hogwarts Express." I'm making something beautiful and knitting good thoughts into it for my partner.

2 comments:

  1. Hi, I'm Jeannie (pretywtch on Rav), and I just wanted to say, "Hang in there, you're doing great!"

    Looking for a permanent job is tough, and even moreso when you are looking for one that is special and makes you feel like you are doing something worthwhile. Perhaps, in the meantime, you could see if you could teach beginner's knitting at a local craft store? I know it's not exactly what you went to school for, but you'd be teaching something you truly love to willing students. Just a thought and I hope everything is well with you.

    BB!
    ~Jeannie

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  2. You are so kind. :) I'm doing the best I can, it's just all so frustrating right now! Looking into teaching a knitting class is a good idea.

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